Consequent Poo

That got 'er going

Location: Work
Date/Time: Aug. 18, 2010 – 10:34AM
Feeling: Jittery
Description: Still sorta lame

If my earlier disappointing – largely incomplete – earlier this morning is to serve as an antecedent, this collection of shitlogs and shitballs certainly serves as the consequent poo.  While I had thought about changing my diet to fabricate more impressive dumps, I ultimately decided to just keep with my normal routine.  Thankfully, for this experiment, that routine includes a small pot of coffee.  Coffee makes you shit.  I don’t know why.  This will often cause people to label it as a diarrhetic – something that activates the crap factory within.  The problem is “diarrhetic” isn’t a word.  Closest I can tell, people mean to use the word “diuretic” which is an actual medical term.  It’s obvious when you look at it, that the word doesn’t have anything to do with feces, but with urine.  A diuretic makes you pee more… or harder… or smellier – I didn’t investigate, but rest assured: it affects your urine.

However we want to label foods and drinks that gets the butthole primed to produce, the coffee did the trick.  I don’t have too much more to say about this shit, suffice to say that I feel less like a freak.

Early Morning Disappointment

Man, what a tiny turd.

Location: Home
Date/Time: Aug. 18, 2001 – 7:14AM
Feeling: Nervous
Description: Disappointing

I was feeling anxious last night.  I knew that in a few hours time, my starch-heavy pasta dinner would work it’s way through all my various pipes and tubes and then would come exploding into the world – at which point, I had promised to document both the occurrence and the physical poop itself.  I was embarrassed.  The reality of what I had decided to do finally set in.  If people actually start to read my shit blog, then I’m beaming out an incredibly private moment to the world.  Worse (possibly just equally bad), if no one reads it, then this is just a self-indulgent exercise in talking about my own poop.

The result being that I actively avoiding pooping last night.  The need to go was never so pressing that I couldn’t stave it off with a quick fart and some deep breathing exercises.  I know it’s best to approach uncomfortable situations like this the same way you remove a band-aid or get into a cold pool, but for whatever reason, I was letting my nerves get the better of me.

When I stood up this morning and saw that tiny dark ball of shit staring up at me from the toilet, I felt my anxieties confirmed.  This – this thing – was to be the subject of my first substantive entry on my year long writing/pooping project.  And what did it mean that it’s so diminutive and uninspired?  I came up with an idea for an experiment so novel, but couldn’t even count on my bowels to deliver on that novelty.

I am now sorely tempted to alter my diet to manufacture larger, more interesting turds.  I can’t decide if that violates the spirit of the experiment, but it seems oddly motivated to say the least.

But even as I type, I can hear the cogs and gears grinding against one another inside my human machine.  I trust that this is simply the antecedent to a successful shit in my future.

Poopless Beginning

Today is Tuesday, August 17, 2010. Starting now and continuing until August 17, 2011, I will photograph and blog about every single poop that I take. The intent is to present my life through an activity in which we all partake, but very few of us openly discuss. Depending on what interests me about my most recent poop, I’ll write about anything – so long as it pertains to dropping that specific duce.  That means I could well be exploring rules for public bathroom etiquette or the physiology of what’s happening to me when I poop or how pooping is worked into our culture.  I’m hoping for “hilarious and insightful,” but I’m guessing most days will just be gross.  Photographs will only contain my shit and whatever I shat it in, which means you never need to worry about seeing a hairy ass on this blog. I promise.

I’m having pasta with homemade garlic herb sauce for dinner tonight. I look forward to updating this blog in a few hours.